I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
