i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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