she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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