dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
this boner is exhausting
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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