My girlfriend figured out who you are.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
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Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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