how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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