I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
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So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??