apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
