Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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