Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
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I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
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Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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