I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
