you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
