I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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