Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
