No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
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We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?