it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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