All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
