Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
