Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
