He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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