My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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