I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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