Are we in a gay sports bar?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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