We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
