allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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