I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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