break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
That's intense
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
