I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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