i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
