he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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