I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
