Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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