Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
