I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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