at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
