I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
