she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
