New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
