its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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