Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
