if i can run in heels then i can drive
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
