when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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