i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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