i just wanna soil my oats bro
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
