I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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