Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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