just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
