not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
