when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
