I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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