ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
