guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
