Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
