New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
