seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
