unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
